Lolita: First of all, we are thrilled to be here, and that you asked us to be your keynote speakers. We imagine this is the first time a brother/sister combo has delivered the keynote at a SM-Leather-Fetish event, so we’re excited to be trailblazers.

Boymeat:  We were asked if we could somehow work this years SMOdyssey’s theme, “For The Thrill Of It”, into our speech. What were you people thinking? Here are two jaded fucking New Yorkers with 30 years of experience between us in the SM community. Nothing thrills us anymore. Just call us Statler and Warldorf.

Boymeat as Waldorf: Good, maybe it'll end quicker!

Both: Oh ho ho!

Lolita: So, we thought back and thought of the slew of speeches that came before us. And let’s see what topics they covered…

Boymeat: Ye Olde Guarde.

A myth from anyone lips… except maybe Guy Baldwin. If we had a quarter for every idiot that called themselves Old Guard, we’d have enough money to finally buy that old European SM Castle we’ve been looking at for so long.

Lolita:  Training.

Yeah, we were trained, by a bunch of New York Jews. We were taught how to elevate our fundraising to mercenary standards, and we were taught all the SM safety rules. I mean, you have us New Yorkers to thank for both SSC and RACK! Hell, we invented SM!

Boymeat:  Protocols.

I was once asked what boot was the correct boot to worship first. People take some protocols way too seriously, and we New Yorkers don’t want to be expected to care about some artificial rules that someone else created. There are personal protocols that we think are meaningful to us within our own established relationships, and then there are genuine manners. Read a book on etiquette, those are the skills that will impress people. Next!

Lolita: Unity in the Community, Brotherhood, Diversity etc.

{YAWN} Boring! Honestly, it’s a lot of lip service. Everyone aspires for a grand community that is comprised of everyone under the sun, and then we all go right back into the same little groups we started off in the first place. People wonder why our groups and events are not being attended by others in the community, but then never head out to other groups themselves.  And, you know, sometimes we need to have our separate spaces.  So, how about paying some lip service to some more easily attainable goals instead? Like my dick.

Boymeat: Scene Names.

There have been a lot of speeches made about the importance of being out. We agree, it’s very important, and we’ll be much more visible when we all feel safe enough to be out. But let’s face it folks, we’re the wrong people to rail on this one. I mean, she’s named after a Nabokov novel, and he’s something you really don’t want to find at the local butcher shop.

Lolita: Mentorship.

Here is another popular speech topic. “It’s important for us to mentor the next generation of leather.” Oy. If there is any concept in our scene that has been completely bastardized, this is it. Good mentorship is people gravitating towards each other naturally, the experienced teaching the novice through friendship, and a shared vision. Now, it’s become a forced affair, most often predatory, where the overall goal is to get in the newbie’s pants.

Boymeat: Leather Families.

We would trash the whole leather family concept, but our entire leather family is currently in the audience, and would kill us both. Moving on…

So, that’s all the stuff we ain’t gonna talk about. Instead, we want to cover something that we actually know, and is very popular – US!

Everyone has their own personal histories in the scene, and we’re no different. One of the great struggles that we went through was trying to figure out who we were, what we wanted, what we liked, and where did we fit in. Was I a top, a bottom, a switch? Am I straight? Am I gay? What’s a bisexual? Ooooh, maybe I’m a Master! Being a slave sounds hot. What’s my label? Where is my box? What do I say when someone asks, who are you? What are you into?

Lolita: It took us both years to figure all this out. We tried on lots of different things until we finally became comfortable with what were. And it was great, for a while. But, we’re getting ahead of ourselves.

We think the best way to get our point across is to start out talking about ourselves.

It’s what we know best.

I discovered myself after a bunch of years of trying various things out.  I became happy as a bisexual switch who liked her BDSM poly and her sex monogamous (of course, we had a very narrow definition of sex).  This worked for me for over 12 years.  I was comfortable and happy.  I had structured my life to this model.  Then, with my breakup two years ago, the sexual component of my life vanished and for 16 months I went without sex.  I still played but I did not have sex.  With my life structured as it was with my rules, it meant that if I did not have a primary partner, I would not have any sex. 

I enjoy sex. But what was I waiting for? Was I saving myself for a Relationship?  Ick!  I did not want to enter some kind of primary relationship just to have sex. On the other hand, while sex in a committed relationship was not what I wanted, casual pick up sex was not the answer for me either.   But I wanted sex.

You see, there is this dichotomy about sex: either you have monogamous, partnered sex or you're having casual, anonymous sex. I figured that I wanted something in between - fond sex, sex with someone with whom I can build some intimacy and trust, but not with a goal of partnership, and not within the recognized boundaries of "romantic love" that Hallmark recognizes.

I wanted my sex with kink and intimacy.  I did not want to bumble around with a one-night-stand who did not understand how I liked my sex. Really good sex requires a bit of a learning curve that does not happen in one night. And that works both ways, of course.

So, I figured that I need a fuckbuddy. But, no, not exactly. I wanted several fuckbuddies. A stable of fuckbuddies. Some local and some out of town. 

I discovered that this was something I needed to define.  And I thought long and hard about what I wanted in a fuckbuddy:

1 - They should be hot and they should think I am hot, too.
2 - They should be open to sex with any gender. (I envisioned threesomes)
3 - They wouldn't become some psycho stalker.
4 - The word "fuckbuddy" is fuck plus buddy and both sides of that are important.
5 - They should be a busy person with decent scheduling skills.
6 - They should be smart.
7 - They should be fun.

8 – And they should be good at sex.  Duh!

This was a total departure from where I had been and from where I was so comfortable.  It was one of the toughest journeys I had ever taken.  I started this a year ago and it’s going great.  I have found a few fuckbuddies and, now, well, I should probably take advantage of this audience here to tell you that I am still looking for a few more.

Boymeat: Now for my story. I’ve tried on a lot of suits of clothing in my 12 years in the scene. So much so, I thought about making a flowchart just to help illustrate it. Along the way, a character was born, and he’s actually not quite the person who you think is in front of you right now. I became Boymeat, and Boymeat became… someone who isn’t 100% me. 

When I first came out into the scene, I identified myself as a heterosexual dominant male. I figured it was the safest way to go, and it seemed to make sense. I think about women slightly more than I think of men, and all in all I like to get my way.

But that moniker wasn’t really working for me. Yeah, I got some play, but it wasn’t very satisfying. Then I met Lolita, and as they say, the rest was history. As a result of spending just ONE weekend with her in Boston, I came home a new man. The het became bi. The top became switch. I was changed forever. (What can I say? She’s good.)

After that weekend, I came back to TES, and I was given a new name. Who was once Sir Phil became Boymeat. Lolita herself named me – a star was born. I struggled against the name, but mob rule prevailed. I relented to everyone, and tried on the new name for size.

For the next two years, I flung myself at anyone who wanted me. Even some who didn’t. I demo bottomed at TES for almost anything. I went to Hellfire 2, 3 times a weekend. I played, took a nap on a couch in the club, and then went to play some more. 

After a breakup, I decided to fully explore the deep seedy underground of NYC – at least what was left in the late ‘90s. Gay baths, sex clubs, gloryholes. In a space of two years, I sucked more dick than a closeted frat boy on break.

Soon I started topping some again as well. I would take on all comers. As a foot fetishist, I had the ultimate pick-up line – “Hey, nice feet.”

Lolita:  That line is still so lame!!!

Boymeat: Yeah, but it works.

My friends would laugh in amazement as I played with person after person, and then whined that I didn’t get enough play. Bottoming, topping, it didn’t matter, I wanted experience! I wanted to live! I wanted to have fun!!!

One New Years, I bottomed to someone who was drunk. Suddenly, I stopped bottoming so much. Once my neck recovered, I was a Lolita-only submissive.

It was a wild bunch of years. And soon, I started being called something other than Boymeat. Actually, a few things. Slut. Hound. Fun. A good time. Everyone’s friend.  It became a part of my identity.

Identity. It’s amazing what a slippery word that is. Because I slowly started to realize that Boymeat had his own identity. And it was a little different than Phil’s.

Before the whole blog revolution happened, Lolita used to publish a weekly e-mail newsletter called Lolita’s Predictions and Preledictions. The first part of that e-mail were stories on what Lolita was up to the previous week. There were regular characters appearing, and being so close to her, I was one of them. Our exploits were read by thousands of people nationwide. Most of time, stories involving us were about Lolita topping me. Occasionally, it would be about us co-topping.

So for a long time, Boymeat was perceived to be 100% bottom. These stories established the identity, and I’d even argue, the legend of Boymeat in the minds of thousands of people who never even met me! They would read the stories and turn the characters into people that they themselves could get off on.

I was in an elevator in Las Vegas for International Ms. Leather. A lesbian leatherwoman in the elevator with me saw the TES pin I had on my leather vest, and asked me if I knew Lolita. I said yes… and she had replied how she had been reading the P&P for years. I commented, oh, well, I’m Boymeat! She immediately replied, “Get the fuck out of here, no you’re not!” “But, I am!”

“No you’re not. Boymeat is a dyke!”

Boymeat was clearly someone else.

Boymeat was a dyke. Boymeat was a submissive boy. Boymeat was a slut. Boymeat was a foot whore. Boymeat was a sadist, and only plays with the biggest pain sluts. Boymeat will play with anyone who walks. Boymeat isn’t really bi, he just says he is. Boymeat is…

Boymeat is whoever you think he is. Boymeat became a box that I lived in. Boymeat was defined by everyone but me. I wasn’t no longer me… I was a role.

Phil likes to party, yes. But Phil also loves intimacy. He loves to get to know people, to feel a connection with people. Phil has started to bottom again, much to the surprise of others. Phil wears his heart on his sleeve, and it’s very fragile. Phil chooses his partners carefully, and people get in quicker when they demonstrate a desire to get to know Phil, not just Boymeat.

Boymeat became a box that Phil was trapped in.

Lolita:  We’re not the only ones who have constructed comfortable boxes to be in.  We look around and see others who struggle with transitioning identities.  One friend had spent the last 25 years living as a gay man entrenched in the gay community.  He had been suppressing his desire to be with a woman.  He struggled with his upbringing as a feminist.  He struggled with how his community would accept him if he was no longer gay.  But he took the leap and broke out of his box and became true to himself.

Boymeat: We see others struggle.  More than one Master we know feels that they have had to suppress their desire to bottom.  They become engrained into their identity as a dominant presence, and any desire to bottom becomes viewed as sacrilegious, as an affront to who they are. People around them are made uncomfortable by the thought of accepting this new paradigm – in having their boat rocked.

Lolita: We see our friend comfortable with her identity as a bottom. For years, she has bottomed to the best of the best. She has attended classes, events, and has been taught by some of the very tops she has played with. Now she finds herself wanting to top, and even more frightening, it’s with someone who is known as a top as well. She is scared to go after what she craves – because clearly, as a bottom, she’s not good enough. She’s just a bottom, right?

Boymeat: Being able to step out of our boxes, across the boundaries we set for ourselves, involves facing our fears. Challenging the concept that with this step, our identity is no longer valid. That we will lose respect from those around us for not being who we are – who they think we are, and who they are comfortable with. That we will be laughed at for our transgressions. That we will fail. That we’re not supposed to.

Lolita: Sounds crazy, doesn’t it? But it’s happening everywhere we look. Today, our community is in a very interesting time. We’d argue that there are more people in the scene for 10+ years now than EVER before. We are hitting critical mass, our numbers expanding by leaps and bounds. And with that longevity comes evolution.

Boymeat: All irreverence aside, we acknowledge that all of these things that we have poked fun at were actually the building blocks to our identities. As we both have taught in our SM classes, you have to know the rules before you break them. We recognize that these helped form who we are, but we also know now not to allow them to limit ourselves in our growth. That we need to take these concepts and adapt them how we see fit in accordance to our changing personal identities.

We all went on a path to figure out who we are. And for some reason, we somehow got it into our heads that the search actually ends. That one day we figure it all out, and we live happily ever after. We’re here to tell you that isn’t necessarily true. We’re human, and we are continually evolving. Just as our tastes change, our styles change, our knowledge increases – so do our identities.

Lolita: So, here we are at the end of our speech and you should know that we were just kidding when we told you that we were these two jaded New Yorkers because being jaded is nothing more than a front.  In reality, change is both scary and thrilling at the same time, just like a roller coaster with its ups and downs and twists and turns that jerk us around and is exciting and scary and fast. 

Boymeat: You should know that the ride is never over.  Just when you think everything is clear and easy, you find out that you’re in yet another box that you might want to break out of.  Oy!

Lolita: And remember – it’s not just the person changing that needs to adjust. It’s also the people around us who have to accept these new elements in the person that they know and love. We banter a lot about being accepting of other’s kinks and sexualities.  We actually are thrilled when we see the people we care about finding a new happiness.